Declutter Your Finances
By Peter Walsh
Oprah Radio | October 09, 2008
Step 1: Envision the Life You Want
Financial order is absolutely necessary for the time, energy, and emotional and spiritual health to create the vision you want of your life, Peter says. Most people think the opposite of debt is wealth, but Peter says the opposite of debt is no debt: a life where you are living within your means and where you don’t lie to yourself about how much money you have or pretend that you can afford things that you can’t. "It is a life of freedom," he says.
Start decluttering your finances with this basic question, Peter says: What is the vision you have for your life? Then ask yourself the following:
•Is your vision realistic?
•What is the reality vs. the vision? Where is there dissonance between the life you have and the life you want?
•Does the stuff you consume (or the stuff you want and have to have) take you closer to or further away from the life you want?
Step 2: Look at the True Cost of Your Debt
The quantity of your stuff can no longer be considered the measure of your success, Peter says. Rather, it is the quality of your relationships that lead to deeper happiness, he says. "Debt doesn't just ruin your credit rating—it ruins your relationships," Peter says. "Debt creates selfishness, an inward focus and preoccupation that robs you of what really matters—your true self and your relationships."
Step 3: Explore Your Limits
Just as you only have so much space in your home, you only have so much money, time and emotional energy, Peter says. Credit card companies offer no-limit and high-dollar credit cards, giving you the illusion that you can buy on credit forever. You can max out on your credit cards, but Peter says you can also max out the time and energy you need to spend generating money to pay your bills. "Recognize and pinpoint your limits," he says. "You can continue to ignore them, or you can start to set limits for yourself."
Step 4: Assess Your Spending Habits
Look at your spending habits and figure out exactly what you're spending your money on. "Where is your pursuit of 'more' taking over your life, robbing you of true happiness?" Peter asks. "More" could be eating out at restaurants, shopping for clothes or taking luxury vacations. "Shopping is a means to an end," he says. "If it's an end in itself, then there's a problem."
Step 5: Discuss Necessities vs. Luxuries
Once people get their hands on a little bit of money, they start to think that luxuries are essentials and will do anything to keep their lifestyle, Peter says. "There are very few luxuries in your life that are essential to you: your family and their happiness," Peter says. "Sit and talk with your spouse, partner or family, and separate what you consider to be necessities from the luxuries."
Step 6: Consider Your Happiness Quotient
Happiness is all about balance, Peter says. When you're in debt, you're out of balance. "Head, heart and spirit—it's all connected," Peter says. "Consider where you derive pleasure and happiness from in your life."
Step 7: Create Space for What Really Matters
Once you've decluttered and organized, your life will take on a different focus—the "stuff" loses its importance, Peter says. Think about what you want from your home and how can achieving it, he says. Cutting down on the influx of stuff will immediately translate into spending less money. "Your home is a respite, a reflection of your goals," Peter says. "Consuming less improves your lifestyle, and an ordered home reflects a life without debt."
Step 8: Make It Real
Take time to develop a budget, seek sound financial advice and establish a financial plan. "Now is the time to organize your home, your wallet and bank account to achieve what you desire," he says. Ask yourself the following questions:
•How much should you be spending on your living expenses?
•What is a reasonable amount to spend each month on rent or a mortgage? Food and entertainment?
•How much should be going into your savings? Should you be investing?
MY THOUGHTS
I'd like to think i'm on step 7. i know how how its is to be way over what i can afford. my most important realization is that the things that i've accumulated actually became a burden. it took a while. and i'm not done yet. but i'm learning how to live simply - a smaller space, less things to take care of, spending only on needs rather than wants. the process hurts sometimes. but the end result is so much better. life has certainly taken a different course - one that made me appreciate what i have. the best part was letting go. i feel free. and happy.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
5 things happy people do
5 Things Happy People Do
By Gabrielle LeBlanc
O, The Oprah Magazine | January 01, 2006
Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom ("Do what you love," "To thine own self be true"), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common—and why it's worth trying to become one of them.
1. They find their most golden self.
Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-oriented—hedonic—contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu ("good") and daimon ("spirit" or "deity"), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential—Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person's baser exterior). The effort to know and realize one's most golden self—"personal growth," in today's lingo—is now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one's sense of purpose in life.
"Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain," says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "The positive emotion accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being." Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than others—including those reporting hedonic happiness—according to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
2. They design their lives to bring in joy.
It may seem obvious, but "people don't devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy," says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they'd done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn't like, "some people had tears in their eyes," Schkade says. "They didn't realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over."
Analyzing one's life isn't necessarily easy and may require questioning long-held assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they've turned sour.
Fortunately, changes don't have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way.
3. They avoid "if only" fantasies.
If only I get a better job...find a man...lose the weight...life will be perfect. Happy people don't buy into this kind of thinking.
The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their life—it's called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, "How happy are you with your life in general?" and "How many dates did you have last month?" When the dating question was asked first, their romantic life weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.
The other argument against "if only" fantasies has to do with "hedonic adaptation"—the brain's natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won't generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it's just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa).
4. They put best friends first.
It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark.
5. They allow themselves to be happy.
As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun.
"Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.
Gabrielle Leblanc is a writer and neuroscientist in Washington, D.C.
MY THOUGHTS
let's see, let's see... finding my most golden self - yup, i know what i'm good at and i love doing them.
designing my life so that i can do things i enjoy? yup yup yupn . in a way. most of the time. know what i love doing. sometimes God puts me on hold so i can do other things and learn from them and find that there are things i can still love doing.
if only's? i learned to do that years ago and it works. but it's a constant struggle.
putting best friends first? i wish i can spend more time with them. time flies when you're with the closest of friends. what's funny is you keep on talking of the samwe things and yet it brings so much joy.
aha - allowing myself to be happy? i'm a believer in the truth that happiness is a state of mind. there are days, it's hard to be happy. so, go ahead and be sad. but happy people have the ability to bounce back early enough.
By Gabrielle LeBlanc
O, The Oprah Magazine | January 01, 2006
Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom ("Do what you love," "To thine own self be true"), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common—and why it's worth trying to become one of them.
1. They find their most golden self.
Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-oriented—hedonic—contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu ("good") and daimon ("spirit" or "deity"), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential—Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person's baser exterior). The effort to know and realize one's most golden self—"personal growth," in today's lingo—is now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one's sense of purpose in life.
"Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain," says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "The positive emotion accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being." Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than others—including those reporting hedonic happiness—according to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
2. They design their lives to bring in joy.
It may seem obvious, but "people don't devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy," says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they'd done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn't like, "some people had tears in their eyes," Schkade says. "They didn't realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over."
Analyzing one's life isn't necessarily easy and may require questioning long-held assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they've turned sour.
Fortunately, changes don't have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way.
3. They avoid "if only" fantasies.
If only I get a better job...find a man...lose the weight...life will be perfect. Happy people don't buy into this kind of thinking.
The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their life—it's called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, "How happy are you with your life in general?" and "How many dates did you have last month?" When the dating question was asked first, their romantic life weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.
The other argument against "if only" fantasies has to do with "hedonic adaptation"—the brain's natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won't generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it's just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa).
4. They put best friends first.
It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark.
5. They allow themselves to be happy.
As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun.
"Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.
Gabrielle Leblanc is a writer and neuroscientist in Washington, D.C.
MY THOUGHTS
let's see, let's see... finding my most golden self - yup, i know what i'm good at and i love doing them.
designing my life so that i can do things i enjoy? yup yup yupn . in a way. most of the time. know what i love doing. sometimes God puts me on hold so i can do other things and learn from them and find that there are things i can still love doing.
if only's? i learned to do that years ago and it works. but it's a constant struggle.
putting best friends first? i wish i can spend more time with them. time flies when you're with the closest of friends. what's funny is you keep on talking of the samwe things and yet it brings so much joy.
aha - allowing myself to be happy? i'm a believer in the truth that happiness is a state of mind. there are days, it's hard to be happy. so, go ahead and be sad. but happy people have the ability to bounce back early enough.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Will Marriage Make You Fat?
Will Marriage Make You Fat? How to Avoid the ‘Love Chub’ Trap
Marriage brings many changes, and weight gain tops the list
Cynthia Ramnarace ON Jul 7, 2010 at 5:47PM
Mariah Carey, Britney Spears and Khloe Kardashian—even the most buff and beautiful have packed on a few pounds after getting married.
No matter who you are, it seems, it’s not unusual to gain some weight after you walk down the aisle. In fact, you don’t even need to exchange vows to suffer the effects: A 2008 study in the journal Obesity showed that couples that lived together more than two years—whether married or not—were more likely to be obese, inactive and sedentary.
It’s no secret that couples tend to spend more time sitting on the couch (maybe sharing a pint of ice cream) than out dancing in the clubs or going for long, moonlit walks. (Sound familiar?) Being in a marriage—or being part of a long-term, cohabitating couple—changes the rhythm of your life, says behavioral psychologist Mike Bishop, Ph.D., executive director at Wellspring Camps, the weight-loss retreats based in Tampa, Fla. For those who do walk down the aisle, a wedding can be a great incentive to shape up. But once the pressure and spotlight are off you, there’s less motivation to stick with the program. If you went gangbusters at the gym to fit into that slinky wedding dress, you may feel that now you’ve earned the chance to relax. Once you stop or slow down the work outs, though, the pounds can start to creep on.
Then there’s the simple fact that people in love enjoy sedentary activities: cuddling and channel surfing; sleeping in on a Saturday morning (instead of, say, getting up early to hit the gym); spending long hours sitting and sipping at outdoor cafes. The more you lounge, the less you move. And that means you burn fewer calories, and are more likely to be snacking on some empty ones. There’s also this: Marriage, particularly the first year, is stressful. And what do a lot of people do when they’re stressed? Eat. And not well. “Rarely do you hear somebody saying, ‘Oh, I’m so stressed. I’m going to go eat a big plate of broccoli,’” says Bishop. “Usually, stress eating involves chocolate or pizza.” Has getting cozy—or getting stressed—helped you put on a few pounds? If so, have faith: You can still be in a couple yet rediscover your inner, slimmer single girl. Here’s how three couples who got familiar with love chub succeeded in turning the scale in the other direction.
A Personal Trainer Brings Accountability
On her wedding day, Revee Torledo weighed in at 135 pounds and wore a size 4. Three months later, thanks to the holidays and too many nights spent snuggling on the couch, the scale was getting closer to 150 pounds than she was comfortable with. When she had to start searching the back of her closet for size 6s, she knew something had to change. She wasn’t the only one. “I was looking at my husband one morning and said, ‘You need to get rid of that little Buddha belly,’” Revee says. “He’d picked on me when I couldn’t zip up a dress too. We never had any major disagreements about [our weight gain], but we didn’t want to get to a point where we did.”
So in January 2010, Revee and Eugene made a resolution to lose what they’d gained. They both returned to what had worked for them in the past. Eugene took up capoeira, an Afro-Brazilian form of self-defense training. Revee wanted a personal trainer, but not someone she’d only see once a week. She needed a trainer who could double as a life coach and was easily accessible. Her trainer, Jen Cassetty, was available any time of the day by text, Twitter or Facebook. If Revee didn’t want to work out, Jen told her to stop procrastinating and get going. If her fitness routine felt boring, Revee could look at the iPhone fitness app Jen designed for some new ideas.
“I emailed her to say ‘I’m struggling, I’m not losing,’” Revee says. “At one point I felt as if I was working really hard and not losing a single pound. She told me to keep going. She told me to stop with the little snacks in between meals. She told me, ‘keep it up.’” Revee listened. So far both she and her husband have lost 10 pounds each. “I needed someone who could motivate me,” Revee says. “Someone who’d talk to me and say, ‘You’re not a failure, it happens to the best of us.’ My trainer helped me develop a routine and find my motivation.”
Cutting the Carbs and Adding Leafy Greens and Lean Proteins
For Adam Saunders, 33, the happy pounds started appearing in 2006, after he met and married Jenna, the woman he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Before their wedding, at 225 pounds and at 11 percent body fat, he looked every bit the nightclub bouncer that he was. But within a year after the wedding, he was up to 276 pounds “of pure fat” and went from a 32- to 42-inch waist. Jenna, 31, went from a size 8 to a 14. How did it happen? “We just got comfortable with each other,” says Adam, who lives with Jenna in Wellington, Fla.
Adam’s wake-up call came when he saw himself on a video dancing around the house with his kids. “You see me coming down the hallway and it just looked like I’d been stung by a bee 50 times,” Adam says. “My clothes weren’t fitting. I was always out of breath, always sweating. It wasn’t a pretty sight.”
Because he works 70 hours a week, an exercise-intensive weight-loss program wasn’t going to work. Adam knew he needed to find a regimented diet that relied on cutting calories and didn’t require exercise to lose weight. He tried Smart for Life, a plan that reduced the carbohydrates in his diet and replaced them with lots of leafy greens and other vegetables, plus lean protein. Gone was his habit of collapsing on the couch after work with a tub of ice cream or bag of chocolate. Vegetables, and especially leafy greens, became the centerpiece of their dinner plates. Beverages were limited to water, diet soda or green tea. Adam went from 275 to 205 in less than six months. And he wasn’t the only one to benefit from his newfound healthy eating habits.
“He started losing weight and I didn’t want to be known as his fat wife,” says Jenna, who is down to 135 pounds after shedding 60. “I was cooking for him anyway, and so I just started eating the way he was eating.”
Losing the weight has also helped them feel better about themselves as a couple. “We had gotten to the point where we didn’t want to go and hang out with people,” Adam says. “We didn’t feel good about it. We didn’t want to be the fat couple in the crowd. But now people tell me it looks like I shed 15 years in age. And now I just feel good.”
Teamwork Helped Her Walk the Weight Off
The first five pounds crept on after Jacqueline Holder got home from her honeymoon. She hated slogging to the gym every day, so she cut down her routine to twice a week. She happily stocked the cabinets with snacks her husband loved and found herself noshing on them, too.
Then she got pregnant and those five pounds she initially gained soon turned into 75. Though she was at her heaviest weight after giving birth, her husband didn’t see the pounds and neither did she. “My husband was constantly making sure I was eating enough and telling me I was beautiful,” Jacqueline says. “So I didn't feel any pressure about my weight.”
When her son Noah was 6 months old, though, Jacqueline decided enough was enough. She felt uncomfortable, sluggish and wasn’t happy with what she saw in the mirror. So she joined a walking club and started training to walk in a half marathon. Noah is now nearly 2, and Jacqueline has walked three half marathons and run four more since she started training. She is now within five pounds of her wedding weight. Her husband gained a few post-wedding pounds and is working on losing them as well, mostly by cutting down on snacking. (Banning junk foods from the house has helped, Jacqueline says.)
“For me, just saying I would go to the gym or do an exercise DVD wasn’t enough,” Jacqueline says. “When I joined a team in training, I became responsible to the team. I had a certain amount I had to walk every day. And my husband is super-supportive too, staying with Noah on Saturdays mornings so I can meet up with my team. Having something set in concrete (on my schedule) like that really helped.”
However you choose to do it, Bishop says keeping your weight in check is really just a simple formula. “Weight management is about limiting the calories you put in your body and then burning calories that you have consumed,” he says. “If you’re neglecting either side of the equation, whether it’s calories in or calories out, that’s a formula for gaining weight.”
When young couples come to him for help with weight issues, he advises them to schedule in fitness just as they would dinner dates and office meetings. Sit down together and figure out when you’ll go biking, hiking or hit the gym.
“Especially for young couples, you’ve got to make fitness a family tradition,” Dr. Bishop says. “And you’ve got to start early by creating healthy habits [that will benefit] your family as you move forward.”
So even if you’ve put on a few post-wedding pounds, don’t fret. With a healthier diet, and some more physical activity, can ensure that you’ll always be able to fit in that wedding dress.
MY THOUGHTS
channel surfing? that's the one. and all the other sedentary activities. wedding vows do not bring on the pounds
Marriage brings many changes, and weight gain tops the list
Cynthia Ramnarace ON Jul 7, 2010 at 5:47PM
Mariah Carey, Britney Spears and Khloe Kardashian—even the most buff and beautiful have packed on a few pounds after getting married.
No matter who you are, it seems, it’s not unusual to gain some weight after you walk down the aisle. In fact, you don’t even need to exchange vows to suffer the effects: A 2008 study in the journal Obesity showed that couples that lived together more than two years—whether married or not—were more likely to be obese, inactive and sedentary.
It’s no secret that couples tend to spend more time sitting on the couch (maybe sharing a pint of ice cream) than out dancing in the clubs or going for long, moonlit walks. (Sound familiar?) Being in a marriage—or being part of a long-term, cohabitating couple—changes the rhythm of your life, says behavioral psychologist Mike Bishop, Ph.D., executive director at Wellspring Camps, the weight-loss retreats based in Tampa, Fla. For those who do walk down the aisle, a wedding can be a great incentive to shape up. But once the pressure and spotlight are off you, there’s less motivation to stick with the program. If you went gangbusters at the gym to fit into that slinky wedding dress, you may feel that now you’ve earned the chance to relax. Once you stop or slow down the work outs, though, the pounds can start to creep on.
Then there’s the simple fact that people in love enjoy sedentary activities: cuddling and channel surfing; sleeping in on a Saturday morning (instead of, say, getting up early to hit the gym); spending long hours sitting and sipping at outdoor cafes. The more you lounge, the less you move. And that means you burn fewer calories, and are more likely to be snacking on some empty ones. There’s also this: Marriage, particularly the first year, is stressful. And what do a lot of people do when they’re stressed? Eat. And not well. “Rarely do you hear somebody saying, ‘Oh, I’m so stressed. I’m going to go eat a big plate of broccoli,’” says Bishop. “Usually, stress eating involves chocolate or pizza.” Has getting cozy—or getting stressed—helped you put on a few pounds? If so, have faith: You can still be in a couple yet rediscover your inner, slimmer single girl. Here’s how three couples who got familiar with love chub succeeded in turning the scale in the other direction.
A Personal Trainer Brings Accountability
On her wedding day, Revee Torledo weighed in at 135 pounds and wore a size 4. Three months later, thanks to the holidays and too many nights spent snuggling on the couch, the scale was getting closer to 150 pounds than she was comfortable with. When she had to start searching the back of her closet for size 6s, she knew something had to change. She wasn’t the only one. “I was looking at my husband one morning and said, ‘You need to get rid of that little Buddha belly,’” Revee says. “He’d picked on me when I couldn’t zip up a dress too. We never had any major disagreements about [our weight gain], but we didn’t want to get to a point where we did.”
So in January 2010, Revee and Eugene made a resolution to lose what they’d gained. They both returned to what had worked for them in the past. Eugene took up capoeira, an Afro-Brazilian form of self-defense training. Revee wanted a personal trainer, but not someone she’d only see once a week. She needed a trainer who could double as a life coach and was easily accessible. Her trainer, Jen Cassetty, was available any time of the day by text, Twitter or Facebook. If Revee didn’t want to work out, Jen told her to stop procrastinating and get going. If her fitness routine felt boring, Revee could look at the iPhone fitness app Jen designed for some new ideas.
“I emailed her to say ‘I’m struggling, I’m not losing,’” Revee says. “At one point I felt as if I was working really hard and not losing a single pound. She told me to keep going. She told me to stop with the little snacks in between meals. She told me, ‘keep it up.’” Revee listened. So far both she and her husband have lost 10 pounds each. “I needed someone who could motivate me,” Revee says. “Someone who’d talk to me and say, ‘You’re not a failure, it happens to the best of us.’ My trainer helped me develop a routine and find my motivation.”
Cutting the Carbs and Adding Leafy Greens and Lean Proteins
For Adam Saunders, 33, the happy pounds started appearing in 2006, after he met and married Jenna, the woman he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Before their wedding, at 225 pounds and at 11 percent body fat, he looked every bit the nightclub bouncer that he was. But within a year after the wedding, he was up to 276 pounds “of pure fat” and went from a 32- to 42-inch waist. Jenna, 31, went from a size 8 to a 14. How did it happen? “We just got comfortable with each other,” says Adam, who lives with Jenna in Wellington, Fla.
Adam’s wake-up call came when he saw himself on a video dancing around the house with his kids. “You see me coming down the hallway and it just looked like I’d been stung by a bee 50 times,” Adam says. “My clothes weren’t fitting. I was always out of breath, always sweating. It wasn’t a pretty sight.”
Because he works 70 hours a week, an exercise-intensive weight-loss program wasn’t going to work. Adam knew he needed to find a regimented diet that relied on cutting calories and didn’t require exercise to lose weight. He tried Smart for Life, a plan that reduced the carbohydrates in his diet and replaced them with lots of leafy greens and other vegetables, plus lean protein. Gone was his habit of collapsing on the couch after work with a tub of ice cream or bag of chocolate. Vegetables, and especially leafy greens, became the centerpiece of their dinner plates. Beverages were limited to water, diet soda or green tea. Adam went from 275 to 205 in less than six months. And he wasn’t the only one to benefit from his newfound healthy eating habits.
“He started losing weight and I didn’t want to be known as his fat wife,” says Jenna, who is down to 135 pounds after shedding 60. “I was cooking for him anyway, and so I just started eating the way he was eating.”
Losing the weight has also helped them feel better about themselves as a couple. “We had gotten to the point where we didn’t want to go and hang out with people,” Adam says. “We didn’t feel good about it. We didn’t want to be the fat couple in the crowd. But now people tell me it looks like I shed 15 years in age. And now I just feel good.”
Teamwork Helped Her Walk the Weight Off
The first five pounds crept on after Jacqueline Holder got home from her honeymoon. She hated slogging to the gym every day, so she cut down her routine to twice a week. She happily stocked the cabinets with snacks her husband loved and found herself noshing on them, too.
Then she got pregnant and those five pounds she initially gained soon turned into 75. Though she was at her heaviest weight after giving birth, her husband didn’t see the pounds and neither did she. “My husband was constantly making sure I was eating enough and telling me I was beautiful,” Jacqueline says. “So I didn't feel any pressure about my weight.”
When her son Noah was 6 months old, though, Jacqueline decided enough was enough. She felt uncomfortable, sluggish and wasn’t happy with what she saw in the mirror. So she joined a walking club and started training to walk in a half marathon. Noah is now nearly 2, and Jacqueline has walked three half marathons and run four more since she started training. She is now within five pounds of her wedding weight. Her husband gained a few post-wedding pounds and is working on losing them as well, mostly by cutting down on snacking. (Banning junk foods from the house has helped, Jacqueline says.)
“For me, just saying I would go to the gym or do an exercise DVD wasn’t enough,” Jacqueline says. “When I joined a team in training, I became responsible to the team. I had a certain amount I had to walk every day. And my husband is super-supportive too, staying with Noah on Saturdays mornings so I can meet up with my team. Having something set in concrete (on my schedule) like that really helped.”
However you choose to do it, Bishop says keeping your weight in check is really just a simple formula. “Weight management is about limiting the calories you put in your body and then burning calories that you have consumed,” he says. “If you’re neglecting either side of the equation, whether it’s calories in or calories out, that’s a formula for gaining weight.”
When young couples come to him for help with weight issues, he advises them to schedule in fitness just as they would dinner dates and office meetings. Sit down together and figure out when you’ll go biking, hiking or hit the gym.
“Especially for young couples, you’ve got to make fitness a family tradition,” Dr. Bishop says. “And you’ve got to start early by creating healthy habits [that will benefit] your family as you move forward.”
So even if you’ve put on a few post-wedding pounds, don’t fret. With a healthier diet, and some more physical activity, can ensure that you’ll always be able to fit in that wedding dress.
MY THOUGHTS
channel surfing? that's the one. and all the other sedentary activities. wedding vows do not bring on the pounds
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